Relationships

Hi there,

If you follow me on IG, you may have seen me talk about what's going on in my marriage. I wanted to take all the time to get to the other side before I started talking about it publicly. This is long, but there is so much truth so stay with me.

Long story short, my marriage hasn't been firing at 100%. I have had many thoughts about whether I wanted to continue it. Each time I would bring it up, we'd fight and nothing would get fixed.

After a lot of back and forth, I did commit to staying so when my husband came out and said he wanted to throw the towel in, I couldn't believe it.

How could he be the one to make the decision to leave? He was the one who messed up, not me. I was the good guy here. It should have been ME leaving.

I could feel myself shifting into the "not good enough model." The immediate feeling I felt was rejection. I wanted to resist feeling that level of pain. My brain was not willing to feel rejection. My ego wasn't willing to accept being left.

What happened next took over me like a morning fog that you can't see through. Once he said he wanted out, he just stopped talking to me. Avoided me at all costs.

I seeped into a depression and while I wanted so badly to resist it, I knew my work was to feel all of it before I could make any decisions on what I would do next.

I stayed in that space for two weeks because that level of rejection from my husband triggered a previous memory from when I was 17.

Our brains remember everything. All of our previous memories and emotions that we have processed are stored into our subconscious mind and when something triggers a memory from the past it can feel so real as if we are right back there.

For me, that feeling of rejection triggered a trauma response from when I was in a physically abusive relationship with my sons' father. I didn't have any money and being without him back then made me feel like there was no one in the entire world who would ever want me. I had no self confidence yet, so when I felt that rejection, I made a promise to myself to NEVER feel it again.

This meant that I would always leave before being left and I would be independent so I'd never have to stay because I couldn't afford to leave. That was a promise I made and kept.

So fast forward to feeling rejection now, at first I couldn't handle it. It was unbearable because of all the resisting I was doing.

I cried a lot and I got coached almost every damn day. I knew the transformation was in the feeling of all of those emotions so I sat with the rejection, the grief and despair.

I forced myself to not run away from the feelings and I finally realized that I didn't have to feel rejected. I remembered that feelings aren't automatic therefore I have been choosing it. I was in so much pain because of my own thoughts.

I had to ask myself, what am I actually feeling rejected from?

That was fascinating because it had nothing to do with Joe, it was actually all of the past trauma and by Joe saying he's out that made me feel like I lost my power, but I realized, oh this is just my EGO talking.

Once I could separate those thoughts and untangle the mess within, I could see things so much clearer and come out of it. I reminded myself who I was this time, what I was capable of doing "even when..." and you know that question I love to ask, "How could this be the best thing that ever happened to me?" Even though I was in so much pain I asked myself and answered it.

It wasn't fun but it did give my brain the focused direction it needed to pull me out of that shitty ass place. From there I answered: Where is the possibility that exists right here right now? Where is the truth of who I am and what I'm capable of doing? And where is the truth that I am NO longer that 17 year old girl anymore.

I found all the truth.

I wanted intimacy and connection. I felt like we were just in the day to day action line with no real connection behind it. That's when I remembered that relationships are mirrors. What I thought I was missing in my life because I didn't have it with him, was actually something I wasn't giving to myself.

I was putting all this pressure on him, when it was always about me. I could give myself intimacy and connection at anytime. So I started to do that.

I started to go places by myself and figure out what do I love to do. It was amazing, I learned so many new things about myself.

The beautiful thing is that once I was out of it I was able to talk to Joe and see what it was that we wanted to do next, not from a graspy needy place, but from a place of love for the both of us. No blaming, no shaming, just love.

He had shame around his own actions. His avoidance wasn't about me, but I was so heavy in my own mind drama that I couldn't see it at first, but now I could and I was willing to accept it all. When he said he wanted to work it out with me, I wasn't jumping up and down. I was very honest about what I want for and in my life. I want to be in a relationship that is rooted in connection and love for each other even on the bad days. We agreed that within our five years of marriage we haven't modeled that 100% so this is where we decided to enter a 90 day relationship container.

This is a mutual space where we show up exactly the way we are. We speak all the truth, no holding back and using these days to see if this is what we want for our future. We committed to show up in a way that we've never done in the last five years together and go all in.

At the end of the 90 days we will decide if we stay or if we go out of love. I love this idea because it will help me decide if I want to continue and if we don't, I will know that I did try and I left out of love, that we both did and it doesn't have to be ugly. We can still respect and love each other even when we decide to not be together.

And of course if we do decide to stay, that will be great too. We are currently on day 10 and I can tell you it's already different. There is more connection because we are so aware of the container we are in and what we are going for, which is ultimately to make a decision that will affect us for the rest of our lives.

I know that was a lot, but there was a TON of growth that happened outside of my relationship during this time. I went on my mentor's podcast, The Life Coach School (which for those of you in the coaching industry know how big of a deal that is), I had the biggest month in my business so far, and I made movements in my health goals by leaning in and giving that connection to myself.

The reason I share this with you is because I want you to be able to see that no matter what it is that you're going through you still have power and truth in who you are. No matter what door is closing, THERE IS another door.

If you are feeling like you can't bear to be rejected, ask yourself "Who are you and how could this be the best thing that happened to you?" and what is it that you want to create in your life and go after that. If you really want to live your best possible life, you have to step into the discomfort and from there have that fuel your next step.

Here's my thought to borrow: Even when things are out of your control, you get to decide if you will unravel or not. Even when, you still just get to decide.

I decided on me, I hope that for you too. You are worth it.